For the longest time I haven't been able to figure out what's wrong with me.  No energy.  No ambition.  No motivation.  No drive to do anything.  No creativity.  No interest in much of anything.  No wanting to go anyplace or see anybody.

I knew I wasn't "depressed".  I've been depressed and that wasn't it.  So I called it "situational depression", but that didn't feel correct either.

Then last night I finally got hit by the flash of the obvious that made me feel as stupid as usual.

I'm burned out.

I knew it felt familiar, in a been-there-done-that sort of way, but I couldn't line up the triggers... because my two other cases of burn-out where work related, and I'm not "working" now.

Which of course is a load of BS, at least as far as stress related actions go I'm working harder than I ever have before because I haven't had a day off in a couple years, and it's gotten especially bad since my kids blew up at their father and they haven't gone to his place in six months.

So, now that I have a name for it, and I know what's causing it, I know how to fix it and everything makes a lot more sense.

My commitment to giving myself every Sunday off is a big move toward fixing the problem.

I've also put #1-son to work fixing a lot of the little things around the house that have been driving me buggy for years... which will take a load off my mind.

So, now that I know what's up, I can begin to deal with it, and already I feel better.

 I typed in 3000 new words on my story today, but it feels like it was cheating because they were long-hand words, and not original words I typed at the computer. It is cheating to say I did 3000 words today when I wrote them yesterday and the day before?

But the cool thing is I'm officially over the 50k word mark. YAH!! It feels good to know I really can get past the first 10k words. And the plot took another little twist while I was typing words in, so it's fun even at that point I can still be surprised. (Read more)

 You know... there's only so much 'feeling like a moron' that a smart person can take before I just want to end it all.

What now? you ask, being exceedingly kind and hiding the snide laughter that is threatening to burst forth, because Jackie is known for being a bit of a know-it-all.

Well, I say, you know my little problem I'm having editing this *&$@$ manuscript? Well, um, you see, I had lunch yesterday with a friend, and as usual, I was ranting about this edit. And, typical of this friend, he goes into fix-it mode and tries to pin me down as to what the problem might be. And guess what the first words out of my mouth were? I really can't get into my heroine's head because I really don't like her.

And the really stupid thing is now long it took me to realize the significance of what I said!!

If I don't like her... how can anybody else like her?!?!?!

Yes, now you can laugh. <grumble, grumble> (Read more)

 Okay, I finally give into the bit of truth "if you keep doing one thing, and it keeps not working, why are you doing it?" and I'm going to change things. (Read more)

 I got two pages done today, and I'm trying to consider that a victory.

It's a whole lot better than the last couple weeks when I didn't do any pages.

But... my perfectionistic-brow-beater won't shut up: "It's only two pages!! You have 536 pages to go. Do you have any idea how long it's going to take you to edit this thing if you can only manage to do two pages a day, let alone two pages in two weeks?!?!"

<sigh>

So... I keep telling that voice to shut up. I keep telling it that I'm learning a new character, and figuring out who she is, is going to take a while, but once I figure her out the writing will go much quicker. And I keep repeating all the good things... I started this scene in the right place. I replaced 13 pages of rambling with 3 pages of good stuff that seems to be falling just exactly in place. It's sounding good. It's feeling good.

But it took me 6 blasted hours of work to do 2 pages.

 For me as a writer, there's nothing worse than paralyizing fear. Especially because my paralyzing fear has nothing to do with reality... it's all my imagination.  (Read more)

 My inner pessimist is a persistent bugger. I need to sit down and edit this manuscript... just sit down and get it done... and I can't... (Read more)

 On Friday, I edited the second scene, with little effort. The scenes from the hero's POV practically glow, always have. So, two down, 75 to go. (Read more)

 I really hate having to relearn lessons over and over again. <sigh>

Okay, I divided the impossible project into do-able tasks... but I still can't get started! Why?!?!

Well, DUH!

If the tape I have running endlessly in my head is: "I hate editing. I can't do it. I hate editing". How blasted far do I think I'm going to get? <sigh, again>

Okay... relearn lesson #23: Create positive mental tapes and repeat constantly, until the task is done.

Yeah, yeah, I get it. <digging through the tape bin> Ah-hah! Here it is! A little dusty, since it hasn't been used since my last massive edit, but still usable.

"Editing is easy, mistakes are obvious, and changes flow freely." Repeat as necessary.

 This has been a week of mind games and avoidance tactics. Yes, my house is cleaner than it has been in a long time, and my email is completely caught up, andI have all my ducks in a row for my DucKon Writer's Track, but... I'm still playing mind games with the manuscript edit.

However... I am getting there. Three days ago, I edited the first two sentences. Two days ago, I edited the first two paraghaphs. Yesterday, I edited the first two pages. The momentum is slow, but building. And today... we'll see.

And, just as Sarah (truepenny) says today the most effective mind game is to keep dividing the task until the pieces are managable.

But right now I can't handle it... so another mind game... the 15-minute timer. 15 minutes of distraction, then work for 15 minutes, repeat as necessary to get through the day.